Responses to Loss in Grief Coping with Loss in Grief
Anne Marie Ruta Buchanan
April 7, 2020
Grief challenges for us in so many ways. Our reality has shifted and we find ourselves thinking and feeling things that are difficult to understand. Trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk likens it to reactions he’s seen in trauma survivors. For some of us, due to our personal histories or current situations this experience can be perceived as traumatic. For others, it’s at the very least highly challenging. Either way it’s helpful for us to recognize what’s going on with us so we can take action to ”weather this storm” in a healthy manner.
I like Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s take on it because his solution to many psychological reactions is get into your body! As a dance/movement psychotherapist, I couldn’t agree more. So much insight and changes can take place when we look at the mind/body connection.
Listed are Van der Kolk’s identified responses to trauma and suggestions to help yourself and others:
1) Lack or Predictability
If it’s one thing we do know it’s that we don’t know. We are learning things constantly and making changes as we go. This unsettling experience can lead us to feel scared and anxious.
What to do: Make a daily/weekly schedule. Include time of day. Take back control and make your daily routine as predictable as you can. List activities you will do to fill up your day. Acknowledge the date. Make plans for later in the week (Wednesday I’m paying bills at 11am). Make goals of things you want to do, actions to take, and include in schedule. Notice how one moment in time is different from the next.
2) Immobile
Fearful feelings put us in a “freeze” mode, a state of paralysis. We find it hard to move.
What to do: Take action! Move the body! Dance, move, stretch, jump, bend, exercise. Do projects. Cook. Clean your bedroom. Build things. Try new activities. Deep breathing exercises…the Calm app has free meditation experiences. Have you ever tried tapping (EFT)? Look it up online.
3) Loss of Connection
We are physically separated from others. We feel alone.
What to do: Connect with others in person or virtually. FaceTime, Zoom, see people’s faces. Call them on the phone. Respond to their texts. Walk with, eat with, do activities with others, even briefly.
4) Numb/Spaced Out
When we are overwhelmed it’s natural to just tune out for a while. We spend hours on social media, on our phones, computers. We binge Netflix. We reach for alcohol and caffeine, spend hours on video games. Sleep more than usual. Zone out since concentration is impaired/can’t focus.
What to do: Mindfulness exercises. Notice your feelings, thoughts and behaviors, actions (I’m watering a plant, I’m folding clothes). Take a minute and focus on your bodily sensations (I feel tightness in my shoulders, I’m wiggling my toes). Increased awareness allows you to choose how to react instead of just reacting. Acknowledge feelings and name them (I’m angry, frustrated, sad, grateful). Make a list and write them down. Express them.
1) Time disorientation
What day is it? Date? What time is it? One day feels like a week.
What to do: Notice the difference in time- morning, afternoon, night. Take efforts to orient yourself to the day of the week and date. The schedule mentioned early should also help.
2) Safety
You don’t feel safe doing daily tasks.
What to do: Find actions that help you feel safe. What music helps you feel safe/calm? Remember your support- there are certain people who help you feel safe when you talk to them. Reaffirm that you are safe by gently giving yourself a hug and know you are safe in the moment. Acknowledge the part of your physical self that is healthy!
When you are able, acknowledge the even the smallest of opportunities that are available to help you get through this difficult time. Reach out to me, Anne Marie Ruta Buchanan, for additional support and guidance. I’m here to help.