Grief from Pet Loss
The Grief in Pet Loss
When a pet dies, it is incredibly sad. A family member that you have lived with daily, cherished, enjoyed and loved is no longer physically there. This wonderful companion has been with you through thick and thin, ups and downs in your life and will not be there tomorrow morning looking at you to feed her. Grief from pet loss is real and deep.
Pets provide a different level of relationship and support than people do. Each dog, cat, guinea pig, hamster, bird, lizard, rat, snake, fish, turtle, tortoise has a bond with the owner (and family members and friends) that at times feels more substantial than those we have with certain human beings. The rapport built with a beloved pet is unique to each animal. Each pet has his own personality, own behaviors, quirks, preferences that bring about a predictability that you begin to rely on and that bring comfort in its familiarity (even the annoying behaviors). Your dog loves you unconditionally, which makes this death so tough on you. That princess cat that curled up next to you on bad days, nipped at you and amused you with his antics; you just can’t believe he’s gone.
Grief reactions to pet loss are grief reactions to loss. Can’t focus, difficulty remembering, fatigue, irritability, feeling “out of it” or foggy, sleeping and eating disturbances. The longing for one more day, week, month, year comes with the tears and feelings of sadness, doubt, guilt, regret. The emotions and various types of cognitive disruptions are intense. Why anyone would dismiss these grief symptoms as not warranted because it was a pet not a person is beyond belief but happens, even among the best of friends.
You know who does not minimize pet loss? Those who cherished the pet/owner bond who have lost pets.
Me and countless others.
I was in Texas (there for the total solar eclipse viewing and far from home in California) when I got the news that one of our beloved dogs Jade passed away. Being away from home when other family members were there with Jade was so very hard, especially because I was not there to be with Jade and comfort those family members who were physically there. Some of the challenges that come with the territory of pet death is that sudden deaths in animals are relatively common. Jade was good one week gone the next, not from an accident but from a cancer that took her quickly. (I’m not sure though if watching her slowly decompensate would have been any easier for us). When I heard the news, I was devastated. My husband and I were too late to go on the scheduled waterfall hike we had reserved and instead went to a rum tasting establishment. When we eventually shared the news with the distillery’s owner, he was very compassionate. He and some of the other people sitting around us “got it.” I can’t remember what anyone said, but the feeling they gave and I received was that of warmth and compassion.
Grief needs to be witnessed.
I liken grief from death to the idea of the experience of seeing thestrals in Harry Potter books and movies. Thestrals are fantasy creatures that resemble horses and are invisible to anyone who has not seen death. The characters in this series that can see these creatures have all experienced the death of a loved one. Just like human death, grief from pet loss is unique and thus the intensity and duration of physical, cognitive, and emotional responses vary. But I can tell you if you loved your pet and have experienced his death, you “get it” when others talk about the difficulty involved with losing an animal.
If you have lost a pet, I’m sorry. It is so painful to experience. Be compassionate, gentle and patient with yourself and your loved ones. Lower your expectations of what you can do and decide what is just too much to handle at the moment. This loss does not deserve to be minimized. Just like when a person dies, your grief needs to be witnessed. Talk to people who understand and support you, write/draw/move to express your feelings. Find ways to memorialize your pet if you would like, framing a picture or making a paw print.
Grief comes from love. Human and animal.