Grief from Relationship Loss-The Painful Reality of Break-ups

Grief from Loss of Relationship- The Painful Reality of Break-ups

Break-ups are hard, really hard. It is a death of a relationship.  I don’t care if you are the one initiating or not, the ending of something that was once valuable and meaningful is a loss.  Loss of a dream, an expectation, a way of living.  Someone who you were very close to- family, or like family, is no longer there for you. Friendships or romantic relationships – people can be incredibly close.

The grief response can be like one has died. But that person hasn’t, which is also really difficult to wrap your head around. Here one minute, gone the next.

You are so used to being with them- how are you supposed to live life now without them?

Especially if there are kids involved. Or in-laws, or mutual friends.

It gets very complicated and difficult.

Sometimes you just can’t talk about it.  People ask how you are doing and you’ve just got nothing. Walking around in a daze, your mind half present half absent. It feels like a bad dream.

Other times you have so much disbelief, anger, hurt and disappointment it’s all you can talk about to anyone who will listen.

Fake hope- maybe we’ll get back together?  I mean people do that.

Heartbreak- your heart feels like it’s really breaking. No kidding, it actually hurts.

It’s hard to laugh. I remember a time when some friends tried to cheer me up and it felt more upsetting than being by myself.  I look back at that moment now and remember I had some really supportive friends who just wanted to help but I just couldn’t accept it. My brain convoluted their sweet actions and I remember thinking, “I can’t believe they think this will actually help.” What a jerk I was.

Pain can really distort your thinking.

Another time I was invited to a party.  I went thinking what the heck, it gives me something to do. It ended up being all couples- that’s when I felt super alone.

Other times I was so grateful to have someone to be with. Have a meal, watch a movie.

It’s unpredictable and awful.  Going through some of the physical and mental symptoms of grief- stomach and headaches, couldn’t sleep (dreams haven’t caught up with the reality). Brain fog, can’t concentrate, lethargic, tearful, exhausted.

Sad (no words) Mad (why did it have to end this way?) Hopeless (I’ll never feel better after this) Irritable (everyone get out of my way!), Indifferent (don’t care) Apathetic (it doesn’t matter, nothing matters), Vengeful (I’ll show them) Distraught (nooooooo!!!!) Anxious (now what is going to happen tomorrow next week, next year?) … the list goes on.

How can I help myself? Here are some things that can be helpful if you can lift your head off of the pillow:

1) Engage in movement like walking or any form of exercise. Even for 5 minutes.

2) Eat nutritious food (with the junk food that you’ve been seeking out)- even just a little, a few bites here and there

3) Rest (if you can’t sleep)

4) Do some activities like writing in a journal, reading, listening to, playing, writing or singing music, cleaning something in your living space, watching a show, sports- Tennis? Pickleball? Softball? Basketball? Pray or meditate, go to a yoga or Pilates or kick boxing class. Painting, sculpting, knitting, crocheting, sewing, gardening. Little bits of activity at a time. Maybe things that you like or used to like to do or ones that you have wanted to try. Get out in nature and notice what you notice. Sit on a rock and look out at the vista. Talk or just be with a friend or family member. Try something new- a food, music, different route home. Go somewhere.

5) Above all- give yourself grace.  Show yourself compassion and love. The last thing you need to do is get down on yourself. Rick and Forrest Hanson, in their book Resilience, refer to the “second darts” we sometimes throw at ourselves when it comes to relationships.  The first dart, pain from loss of the relationship, or when something goes wrong, hurts enough.  The second dart is the extra judgment and scrutiny we give to ourselves.  This often happens due to the role our mind’s inner critic plays- blaming, shaming, harshly judging. It brings us down, pours salt in the wound. The Hansons recommend stepping back from the criticism so that you don’t identify with it. As you do this, another part of you, the “nurturer,” comforter and cheerleader, can come in and give you love and understanding you need to get through the hardship. This part of you can put things in a more compassionate and kinder light, and helps decrease the suffering.

6) Be patient with yourself.  Relationship loss is extremely difficult and takes time to process and heal. Remember the human being, animal, and higher power who cares about you and be kind to yourself.