Bereavement Tired of Being Mad, Sad, Lost

Bereavement

So Tired of Being Sad, Mad and Lost

There comes a time after the death of your loved one that you don’t know if it’s ever going to get easier.  The sadness, the yearning, the anger, feeling lost and unsure where to go in bereavement feels never ending. So tired of being tired, like a heavy blanket is on you in grief and you want to remove it but it’s so heavy, not budging.  Wondering when, if ever, it’s going to lift off of you.  When are the dark clouds going to part so that the sun will be seen?

There was a time that I remember not being able to lift the heavy blanket off of me or be open to the sun shining in my grief.  In fact, if the sun was actually shining it meant to me that I needed to engage with it- be outdoors or actively doing something either a project, chore, task, or outing with someone.  And taking action was so effortful.  So much energy to talk to someone, to make a decision.  It seems odd that going to a grocery store to get food for the week, or even for the day, was so fraught with difficulty.  Making decisions of what to eat and what to cook was hard.  Seeing items on shelves that my loved one loved was hard.  Being among other people was hard.  Walking around trying to find where food items were located was hard. Doing math with budget was hard. Avoiding a grief burst and crying spell was hard.  Memories of shopping with that deceased loved one was hard.  Avoiding someone I knew walking around the store so I did not have to feign being “OK” was hard.  One such experience sent me in a tailspin and I got just a few items and left.

In those days, I was tired and sad and mad, and had great difficulty focusing on anything that was different from that.

Until one time when I agreed to see my friend at my house who came with a flower and a salad for me.  That friend was patient with me.  She did not say much.  She listened as I spoke slowly, briefly in response to a few inquiries she had for me.  She did not press me or ask if I had done X, considered doing Y.  She just sat and was present.

Sometime after that encounter I noticed (metaphorically) the clouds had parted and there was a bit of sunshine peeking through.

It is hard to recognize when small things in our day- a good cup of coffee, a nice walk, a fitting piece of music, a beautiful tree, a call, visit or text from a friend or family member, a poem or book, a pet’s presence- lift the heavy blanket off of us for a moment. Sitting outside on my patio with a nice glass of iced tea and a magazine gave me a respite from the painful state in my body and mind. As a grief therapist I knew information about grief but I needed to go through it, feel and express the emotions, in a time that was mine. Eventually, I was able to notice more moments of sunshine and lift the heavy blanket off briefly. When this happened and I can’t even remember when it was, my ability to concentrate on tasks increased.  I could handle more responsibility and get more things done without it breaking me or taking me forever.  I was able to plan for something in the future without being totally overwhelmed. I started to engage more with others who wanted to spend time with me. My grief was still there but it shifted so that I could actually acknowledge things other than it. My energy began to return.  I could sleep better most nights, and I actually found myself enjoying some foods instead of eating because I needed to eat.  I found ways to express  anger without immediately being reactive and arguing with a family member. As my brain allowed me to focus, I was able to problem solve and find solutions to situations instead of walking around in a daze. This took some time but eventually allowed me to find some footing so I could move with the heavy blanket of grief instead of being bound by it.

Support during these dark times can be so helpful. We find it when exploring the arts, literature, and through others.  Grief needs to be witnessed. If you would benefit from support for loss and bereavement, I’m here for you.  I’m happy to talk to you about Grief Counseling in Orange County to explore how I can help you find those moments of sunshine.