Grief is to be Witnessed- Not Fixed

Grief Needs to be Witnessed- Not Fixed

One of the most difficult things for family, friends, coworkers to understand is the idea that they cannot do anything to “fix” you, the griever. It’s a hard concept to learn for everyone. They want to help. They want to take you out of your misery.  Some people give you all kinds of advice. “Have you tried doing this?” “Maybe if you just do that you’ll feel better.” They all really mean well.  They care about you and it’s heartbreaking to watch you struggle.  They, who have the ability to think, problem solve, plan, do not understand your inability to concentrate and focus.  They also don’t get that you have no energy or motivation to take action on almost anything-it is all too much, overwhelming. The drain of energy from the emotional rigors in grief leaves you depleted and exhausted, not to mention your sleep is irregular so most of the time you are going about daily activities in a zombie state.

Grief, loss- all very socially awkward and uncomfortable.  When people don’t know what to say, they don’t reach out, check in, or otherwise communicate.  Or they talk to you about everything except the loss, afraid to bring to it up and upset you.  It doesn’t make them insensitive or rude or callus- they just don’t know how to deal with it.

I’ve been guilty of it myself and I’m a grief specialist.

I was at an event one night, and I saw a women whom I heard had lost her husband unexpectedly a few months back. I wanted to go up to her and ask her how she was doing that night.  The evening progressed and I was hoping to get her alone so I could just be there for her.  At one point she engaged with me and asked me about my family. Perfect, I thought, I can ask her about hers and bring in the bereavement comments.  But I couldn’t do it.  I just froze like a dear in the headlights and asked her about her kids, and listened to her about their whereabouts and their lives without bringing up the loss.  She mentioned her husband in the past tense at one point, and still even given the “in” I didn’t do it!  The time passed and we found our way into different conversations.  I fantasized about approaching her later in the evening and then saying, “Hey how are you coping” “I care that you are grieving and still here at this event.”  I left that night feeling so bad.

I know that in grief sometimes we don’t want to talk about the loss and maybe she was in that space.  I did not know her very well so she may have not felt comfortable talking to me about her grief.  But from that night I vowed to be more open about loss in personal social situations.

Grief needs to be witnessed. Just that. I would love it if we could get the message across that it is important for people to just stay in connection with you. You don’t need them to make you laugh, keep you entertained. You certainly don’t need to justify why you are “still” preoccupied, distant, angry, sad, see the negative in things, have difficulty making plans, attending social functions, hate holidays. What would be nice is just for someone to look at you, and for you get this sense: “I see you. I’m here.”